Welcome to the November edition of The Jams of Terry. This month, we will be exploring the slick r’n’b of the 1980s, when hair relaxer was not ironic. Thanks to Mikey P. AKA Hang Glider for the input. With no further ado, I present to you... Buppie Jams!
1. Billy Ocean “Caribbean Queen”
In 1986, my father bought a CD player and two CDs: some fucking contemporary Fleetwood Mac album, and Suddenly by Billy Ocean. This was during that brief period when the CD jewel case came in a tall cardboard box, to discourage thieves. The Billy Ocean CD box was this giant turquoise thing that sat on a shelf in our house’s den for years. Dad was already known to pick one song and play it, ad nauseum, for weeks. This small CD collection made the habit all the more real. Thanks to that, nearly a quarter of a century later, I can sing the entire saxophone solo in “Caribbean Queen.”
2. Luther Vandross “Never Too Much”
This is the joint. Just yesterday, my boss was saying, “I like fat Luther better... and crackhead Mary J. Blige. Sorry.” The woman is right! These ‘80s videos are entertaining as well. I love how the different boomboxes and gigantic Walkmen are implying that the whole wide world is pumping Luther. Now, someone get me that jogging jacket with the boysenberry yogurt-colored highlights. Quick question-–why is it amazing to walk around with a brick-sized Walkman on your hip, but those cellphone beltclips are only worn by embarrassing stepdads?
3. The Whispers “Keep on Lovin’ Me”
“Hey, we’re just five buddies with really clean teeth, who work together and spend our lunch breaks, plus the following evenings, twirling around our office park in suits. Life is good, huh?”
4. Primetime “I Want Somebody Tonight”
This is a bit of revisionist history, kind of like how modern day record nerds like to think that all teenagers in 1970 drove around listening to Big Star and Odessey and Oracle, when in all actuality, they probably just listened to the Osmonds or some crap like that. This Primetime record is an obscure ‘80s release that has been elevated from discount bin status in the last five years by collectors who have dubbed this era of synthesized soul “Modern Soul.” Right after I moved to NYC, the Joshes in Richmond found this record at Plan 9, and dropped a dollar on it on the strength of the cover. Whenever I came back to visit, this was our “5am, about to pass out” jam. We’d blast it in Bark’s room while Smalls yelled, “They had a perfectly good hit song... but they ruined it by scat singing!” Then their roommate Jen would come down the hall and tell us to shut the hell up. Sorry Jen. If you want to hear more under-the-radar r’n’b, Thes One from People Under the Stairs made a mix called Mustache Soul.
5. Junior “Mama Used To Say”
Here’s some more revisionist history. And what an awesome video. Maybe one day I too will sing to the ladies from a cartoon bathtub.
6. Earth Wind and Fire “Brazilian Rhyme”
Smalls, if you’re reading this, it is possible to be someone besides Cab Calloway and have a hit that consists mainly of scat singing. Unless I’m wicked ignorant, and he’s actually singing in Portuguese here. Hmm. On the real though, how many rap songs have sampled this? I’ve been living in Chicago for a little over two years, and something that I appreciate is this city’s high amount of civic pride. Chicago loves all things Chicago, and Earth Wind and Fire are among our favorite sons. I felt like I’d really arrived a month ago, on September 21st, when someone drove by me in Uptown, blasting “September” by EWF. That song’s leadoff lyric is “Do you remember/the twenty-first night of September?”
7. Jeffrey Osborne “You Should Be Mine”
Better known as “The Woo-Woo-Woo Song.” Here’s a way to find out if you’re going to like hanging out with a group of people: If things seem to be going well, get up like you’re going to the bar for a round, then say, “Hey, quick question, y’all,” and sing, “Can you woo-woo-woo?” Walk off, and if they laugh, feel free to sit back down with them.
8. Sade “Sweetest Taboo”
Where would this list be without a little quiet storm in the mix? Ahh, quiet storm, the official music of driving home at 5am with wrinkles in your suit and your dick still sticky.
9. Alexander O’Neal “Criticize”
Watch this, then a couple Robert Palmer clips, and ruminate on the whole “White people stealing ideas from black people” thing. Also, the drummer is going bananas. Tom Tom Magazine should write her up.
10. Phil Collins and Philip Bailey “Easy Lover”
What symbolizes the ambition of the ‘80s more than a music video that kicks off with a helicopter blasting into the air? Dear Philip Bailey, will you please give Phil Collins’ Charlie Brown-looking ass some of your clothes? That sweater vest makes him look like a manager at Best Buy.