Have you ever thought about stealing an 18-wheeler, stacking it full of dynamite, then parking it outside a pedestrian-filled shopping mall on a Sunday afternoon and using yourself as a human torch to light the world on fire? I mean, why not? You gave up your dream of tap dancing years ago to work inside that faded gray polycarbonate cube all day, hammering those finger nubs into a rusty nail laden keyboard, slowly sealing your own coffin shut stroke by stroke. Maybe instead of worrying yourself with how soon you'll come to meet your maker (he isn't who you think he is), you should focus your energy on other, more interesting subjects. The dream's gone so let's figure out how to turn your meaningless existence into something, well, less meaningless and maybe do something worthwhile for a change. You see that kid swingin' his schoolbag in the middle of the street so close to traffic? Turn the wheel a quarter-inch to the left, he swings again. Turn it to the right a centimeter and you just made your weekend. Doesn't that feel good? Sometimes the two-legged creatures on this plank just need a hand, a push in the right direction. And let me clarify that the right direction is 40 stories straight down into a pool of one of my favorite colors. Sucking souls through straws to ward off the insatiable craving caused by the empty hole of a life you created for yourself. I've been doing this as long as there's been a this and I'm here to tell you it's not your fault. It's their fault. So click your pen, stand up, and with gentle force place it into your neighbor's jugular (Google to find it's exact location first, you want it to be messy), and then come see me. We have a lot to talk about.
- Johnny
Johnny is a freelance writer and performer in the new film The Man Who Would Live, currently in the process of raising funds on Kickstarter.com. Show your support of the Richmond film community by visiting themanwhowouldlive.com and making a donation.