Nixed Ideas for a Review of Gasmask Terrör’s Black Sun/Fake Gold (Solar Funeral)
1. Lengthy screed, 1200-1500 words. Reference T.S. Eliot, Yeats’s “Second Coming,” Guernica, various other testaments to sustained, frantic dread.
-Too pretentious. BS/FG is a goddamn punk record after all, if it takes longer to read the review than it does to listen to the record, it’s probably too wordy.
2. Shorter approach--use phrases like “raging crust attack,” “totally kicks ass,” “if you call yourself punk and don’t like this, you should just hang it up.”
-Might as well write for Razorcake* if I’m going to approach it that way.
3. Haiku format.
-What sort of jackass would do tha…
4. Express regret I didn’t receive the album in time to include it in my top 10 for 2010.
-Possess a finite patience for regret, not going to waste any on this.
5. Discussion of Gasmask Terrör and the bands with whom they share an aesthetic--Herätys and Totalitär for example. Speculate on umlaut-bedecked band names.
-Ehhhhhh…. No. Or rather, Nö.
6. Get some more coffee, put my clothes in the dryer, and start on my taxes.
-Sounds reasonable.
*-- Not sure if it warrants a disclaimer, but one of the only Razorcake writers worth his salt also contributes to this fine periodical as well. Any criticism of the House That Lame Pop-Punk Built shouldn’t be construed as a slight to his abilities.