Piercings are attractive. Sometimes. And some other times, piercings are downright terrible. They make statements, empower stereotypes and bolster attractions. Even if they are the wrong ones. Piercings aren't a bad fashion accessory when they match the look of the individual in a unique and interesting way, but the dividing line between a good and bad piercing is harsh.
Hoop earrings are a way to demonstrate to others that a girl is white trash even when she is away from the trailer park. Everyone knows that the size of a girl's hoop earrings directly correlates with the size of her vagina. The size range by diameter goes from the one inch or less "Tuesday Night Bible Study" all the way to the 5 inch or more "Truck Stop Prostitute." Pearl earrings are just the opposite. They are used to show just how high class and original sororities are. It's a satirical joke that everyone is in on but them. Once a girl delves into the region of piercing genitalia, they leave the realm of fashion. However, it does still manage to make a statement: I have daddy issues. And herpes.
Septum piercings are for girls that want to have something in common with livestock. Here's a few other commonalities they share with bulls: Not thinking for themselves, being dragged around by people smarter than them, and getting pissed for absolutely no reason at all. I swear, no one gets pissed faster than a girl with a septum piercing. It's the 21st century chip on the shoulder. There are a few things to keep in mind if you're communicating with one of these girls. If you have an opinion, you are wrong. She's going to let you know how wrong you are in one long, passionate, incomprehensible, and incoherent argument. It doesn't really matter what the topic is, her opinion just has to be different than yours.
There are other nose piercings of course. Like the rhinestone diamond on the outside of your nose. It's basically a marker so that you don't forget which nostril to put the coke in. Huge gauges are the equivalent of walking around with a t-shirt that says "ARREST ME, I HAVE DRUGS." Don't get mad when the cop wants to search your car, your pockets, and possibly your asshole. With piercings like that, you deserve it. All you're admitting with a tongue piercing is that you never got over the 90s. Remember when The Backstreet Boys were cool? Me neither. That's what people think of when they see you.
So let's make a toast to piercing our bodies. The procedure has been around since nearly the beginning of mankind, and innovation in piercings has shown us how far we've come in our attempts to show others just how different we are from them. Honestly, that's not a bad thing. It's important to demonstrate individualism in the form of body art. On the other hand, it's just as important to mock the cliched for claiming individuality by doing something just as stereotypical and uncreative as the people they hate, for the same reasons.
DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this article are the author's own and do not reflect RVA Magazine editorial policy. Additionally, they are presented for humorous purposes, so don't take this shit too seriously.